How to Act Like a Grinch for Halloween

Feeling irritable, malevolent or just plain grouchy this year? Does Halloween give you the same feeling as a cat coughing up a furball, all pain and no pleasure? Sure, there are those folk who think dressing up, saying boo to one another and demanding the goodhearted neighbors give them sugary treats is a fine way to celebrate Halloween.

But for the grouch, the whole scene is so yesterday and mired in commercial grunginess. Being the grinch of Halloween on your street lets you ruin the fun for everyone. As your romp through others' Halloween joy, give them cause to think thrice before targeting the grinch of Halloween!

Step 1: Stick the decorations where they belong. Absolutely nowhere. Don't go to the store and don't buy anything. Every good grinch knows that planetary resources are finite and that misuse for frivolity is wasteful and wanton – Halloween decorations are some of the most pointless gimmicks humankind has ever invented. More importantly, every grinch knows a penny left in one's own coffers is a penny the stores won't ever see. You can award yourself with a badge of parsimony and open an account called "My Halloween Savings" and spend Halloween checking your bank statement online.

Step 2: If you feel you must make a decorative statement, find the smallest pumpkin the local market has.

Step 3: Remove the lightbulbs from the front porch.

Step 4: If, despite all your best efforts, the intrepid little trick and treaters make their way up your path, driveway or whatever excuse for a front yard you have, make merry with them.

Step 5: If teenagers (each one likely to demand more candy than the entire night's worth of kids) come trick or treating at your door, turn all the lights off, turn the TV down and pretend to snore and grunt loudly, as if asleep.

Step 6: Begrudgingly get into the spirit of Halloween by giving out treats.

Step 7: Shut your house up and go out for the evening.

Tips:
- A grinch could also make a point by giving out candy nobody wants. Choose the candy from a foreign country with weird flavors nobody has ever had before. Or candy as hard as a rock. Or candy made from cod liver oil.